THE RISLEY PURITY TEST

Last updated 061205. Version 2.2.4: 268 questions, 325 points. Now weighted for Her Pleasure!

This test is designed to measure both how involved and how "spiritually connected" you are with Risley Hall. Note: Some questions are worth more than others.

Instructions: Check all boxes for which your answer is "yes".

RisCulture

(94 possible points.)

Have you ever...

lived in Risley?
... without attending Cornell?
... for all the time you were at Cornell until you graduated, failed out or died? (RisLifer) (3 points)
... specifically, lived in the Risley shops? (2 points)
been a nude model for Life Drawing?
... run Life Drawing?
been a Risley Shop manager?
painted a mural? (2 points)
... with your naked body?
worked in RisDining?
eaten on the Mathis Jackson Mealplan?
... exclusively? (3 points)
been Risley staff? (RA, PA, RHD, Grand Vizier, GSA/AIR)
attended Kommittee? (2 points)
... for 2+ hours?
... for 5+ hours? (Drafting GSA Sub Charter, Theatre Insurrection '06) (2 points)
... drunk (or othrewise altered)?
... ... drunk but still "contributing" to discussion? (Things this does not include: Dumping your drink all over a couch, giggling uncontrollably, throwing things at people, etc.)
... ... and drinking throughout?
... ... every week for a month?
... as the Rebel Alliance? (The Rebel Alliance is an elected Kommittee member who takes satirical and snarky minutes during the meeting, and then sends them to the listserv.)
been a Kommittee member? (Elected or Endured)
... been elected to Kommittee?
... specifically, ¡El Presidente for Life!? (2 points)
... specifically, the Grand Vizier? (2 points)
... specifically, the Kommittee Mime? (2 points)
... specifically, the Kommittee Barber? (infinite points)
been a sub-Kommittee member?
... been elected to an office in Theatre Subcommittee?
... ... been elected General Manager, Financial Manager, or Technical Director of Risley Theatre? (2 points)
been a performer at a Risley event? (2 points)
... whilst scantily clad? (2 points)
come to a Ris event in drag? (2 points)
been to the Risley performance of the Rocky Horror Picture Show?
... as a member of Denton Drama Troupe? (DDT puts on the Rocky Horror Picture Show.) (2 points)
been to Masquerave?
... run Masquerave? (2 points)
been to a rave in the Subbasement?
... No one runs a rave in the Subbasement. (2 points)
been to Messiah?
... and performed? (2 points)
found Lost Coffee?
... run Lost Coffee? (2 points)
been to RisBrunch?
... run RisBrunch? (2 points)
been to Eat This!?
... run Eat This!? (2 points)
been to Spring Faire?
... run Spring Faire? (2 points)
... and Jello Wrestled?
been to the Patriot Day Jenga Tournament?
... and won?
contributed to an independent publication made in Risley? (The Second East Probe, Risley Revue)
been to Porn Night?
... as a member of the Risley Porn Collective? (RPC puts on Porn Night.)
been a RisOC? (Risley Orientation Counselor) (2 points)
... a hungover RisOC on move-in day?
... a "special" RisOC on move-in day? (Each year, one special person gets completly wasted, vomits everywhere, sleeps in it, and probably should have their stomach pumped.) (2 points)
... been elected Lord of the RisOCs? (2 points)
been a member of the Risley Ice Hockey and Blood Donation Team?
hung out with a Risley Faculty Fellow?
... and was read a bedtime story in a real British accent?
began a new Risley tradition or recurring program? (2 points)
kept a Risley tradition alive? (2 points)
been in a protest organized by a Risleyite?
organized a protest?
owned a non-aquatic fish in Risley?

Exploring Risley

(25 possible points.)

Have you ever...

been in Risley's Gorge? (Yes, it's ours.)
been on the roof of the tower? (2 points)
... on the roof, but somewhere other than the tower? (2 points)
been in the tower's fire escape?
been on top of the eschervator (the elevator) itself?
been in the room above the eschervator? (2 points)
been in fourth lost? (eg. the attic)
been in the crawlspace above three and a half or fourth and a half?
been in the attic above fourth main/east?
been behind the fence where the machinery is in the sub-basement? (2 points)
been in one of the driers in the laundry room?
... to impress a girl or boy?
been in the room behind the dryers in the laundry room?
been under the front steps?
been in that narrow-doored room next to the elevator in the basement?
been in the Risley router room?
... and graffiti'd it?
crawled up the dumbwaiter shaft?
entered Risley through a window?
... naked?
left Risley through a window?

Pool

(32 possible points.)

Have you ever...

done Pool?
... naked?
done Jello Pool?
... naked? (ew) (2 points)
done any other, non-water version of Pool? (ex. Chicken Broth, Kool-Aid, Vodka, etc)
... NAKED? (oh, god, THE BURNING) (3 points)
done "the worst pool ever"? (The hot water for the main and east sides of the building weren't exactly working.)
done Pool with a family member?
done Pool with a Risleyite's family member?
... without the Risleyite there?
done Pool with a professor? (2 points)
... while taking his/her class? (2 points)
Pooled with someone you'd boink?
boinked with someone you'd pool? Erm. Been to Pool with someone you have boinked/are boinking?
been a Pool voyeur?
... and serenaded the occupants with your guitar?
gotten out to cool off and been seen naked by passers by?
been caught by CUPD?
... and/or had them confiscate your clothes? ("I'd like my property back, please." "Were you involved with the streaking?" "No." "What are you missing?" "My pants and wallet." "... Take a seat.") (2 points)
done a Balch Run?
... and been caught by the cops? (2 points)
given the Cardinal Rules of Pool?
broken a Cardinal Rule of Pool?
... or *all* of the Cardinal Rules of Pool? (2 points, but please don't) (please)

Crimes and Misdemeanors

(13 possible points.)

Have you ever...

created such a disturbance that you were asked to leave a dining hall?
caused other tables to get up and leave?
bought drugs in Risley?
dealt drugs in Risley?
used illicit drugs in Risley?
manufactured or grown your own drugs in Risley?
... used Risley shops to that end?
... used Risley kitchens for storage to that end? (2 points)
drunk alcohol while underage in Risley?
endrunkened underage Risleyites?
been blessed by a Risley X Fairy (Beer, Cheese, Hopskip, Feast, etc)?
... been a Risley X Fairy? (2 points)

Unkatunk and Intra-Building Relations

(42 possible points.)

A few Terms...

Unkatunk to — The relationship between two people, A and C, whereby A has boinked B and B has boinked C.

Unkatunk through — The relationship between two people, A and B, whereby A has boinked B and B has boinked C. To be unkatunk through someone, you must be unkatunk to someone.

For example, pretend that Dale kisses Stacy. Stacy then goes on to kiss Dave. Dale would then be "unkatunk to" Dave, and "unkatunk through" Stacy.

Boink

— (Big B) To have oral, anal, or vaginal sex with a person.

boink

— (Little B) To have intimate contact with a person that is not Boinking.

Are you unkatunk...

to 5 or more Risleyites? (You probably have this point if you've kissed anyone in Risley.)
through 5 or more Risleyites? (Have you kissed 5 people?) (You are a Node.)
to 10 or more Risleyites? (You probably also have *this* point if you've kissed anyone in Risley.)
through 10 or more Risleyites? (Have you kissed 10 people?)
through 5 or more Nodes? (You are a Hub.) (2 points)
through 10 or more Nodes? (You are a FUCKING AIRPORT. PLANES FLY IN AND OUT OF YOU.) (3 points)
through 5 or more FUCKING AIRPORTS? (You are a OH MY GOD GO GET TESTED NOW. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TAKING THIS TEST FOR? THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT TESTS FOR YOU.) (OMG points)

Have you ever...

been propositioned by a Risleyite?
... a naked Risleyite? (Pool counts.)
... a staff member?
... a naked staff member? (2 points)
accepted any of the above?
been sleazed on by Old School Ris-Sleaze (Michael Niederman, Michael Freiert), or New Ris-Sleaze (Dante H., Meredith M., or Mitchell S.)?
... by all of them?
... boinked any of them?
... boinked all of them? (shame) (2 points)

Have you boinked:

the Risley Mascot? (The Risley Mascot is the person living in Risley while not attending Cornell or having another residence.) (2 points)
the RHD? (5 points)
a GSA/AIR? (3 points)
an RA?
... all the RA's from one particular year (not necessarily all in that year)? (5 points)
a PA? (2 points)

Naughtiness

(114 possible points.)

With a Risleyite or in Risley have you ever...

been nekkid in Risley?
... with more than one person at once?
snuggled or spooned or dryhumped?
... with more than one person at once?
made out?
... with more than one person at once?
groped?
been in naughty pictures? (either taken by a Risleyite or in Risley)
masturbated?
... with more than, you know, just you? (circle jerk?)
... with others in the room, unaware? (!) (2 points)
been involved in bondage? (Rocky and/or Masquerave do not count.)
... with more than one person at once?
rimmed?
... with more than one person at once?
fisted?
... with more than one person at once? (Nothing quite like "a good ol' triple-fisting in the building's dungeon-like bowels"!) (2 points)
69'd?
... with more than one person at once? (daisy chain!)
had vaginal sex?
... with more than one person at once? (That is, had group sex where there was vaginal sex.)
had anal sex?
... with more than one person at once? (That is, had group sex where there was anal sex.)

Super Bonus Naughtiness!

Have you ever...

broken furniture in Risley during a sexual act?
... owned by Cornell? (2 points)
been beaten, pounded, mauled, bruised, scarred, bitten or otherwise assaulted by a Risleyite (or vice-versa)?
... with sexual intent?
... and drew blood or bled?
... any of the above, but with knives? ("The Adri Point")
lost your virginity in Risley or to a Risleyite?
taken somone's virginity in Risley?
... a Risleyite's virginity in Risley? (2 points)
boinked a Risleyite with a significant other? (Your sig does not count.)
... with their sig in the room? (Swingin')
participated in a Risley orgy? (Daily Sun-worthy!) (2 points)
hosted an orgy or group boinking in Risley? (2 points)
... without your presence? (2 points)
been referred to as the "easiest lay in Risley"?
... competed for the title? (3 points)
been rumoured to be the "best lay in Risley"?
used this test as a checklist? (Well? Get on it.)
waxed/shaved/naired a Risleyite's pubes (or had yours done by a Risleyite)?
been a force of evil? (eg. Successfully persuaded Risleyites to get naked or hook up for your personal amusement.)
succumbed to a force of evil?

Naughty Locations!

With a Risleyite or in Risley, have you ever boinked or Boinked:

Easy...

in your room?
in someone else's room?
in the showers?
in the Front Hall, the Great Hall, or Tammany?
in the TV room/CLR/Cowcliffes?
in the laundry room or music room?
in the eschervator?
in the practice rooms or shops?
in the 2nd floor library?
in the sub basement?

Moderate...

in a relative stranger's room?
with others in the room?
in a kitchen?
on a balcony or a ledge?
in the theatre or theatre related space?

Hard...

on the roof? (2 points)
in the RisDining Kitchen? (2 points)
in a staff member's apartment? (2 points)
in the service center? (2 points)
in the Louie's Lunch truck? (2 points)

Big 'B' Boinking

With a Risleyite or in Risley, have you Boinked (remember, at least oral sex):

in the laundry room?
in the practice rooms or shops?
in the 2nd floor library?
... with more than one person at once? (2 points)
in the theatre or theatre related space (ie. the tool room)?
in the room of someone who is not party to the Boinking?
in a relative stranger's room?
in the service center/RA office?
in the dance studio/music room?
... with an allocation beforehand explicitly for that purpose? (3 points)
in the RisDining Kitchen? (2 points)
... on the food prep tables (ew) or the grill (ow)? (2 points)
in the Front Hall? (2 points)
in the Great Hall? (2 points)
in Tammany? (2 points)
in the TV room/CLR/Cowcliffes? (2 points)
in the eschervator? (2 points)
on the roof? (2 points)
in a kitchen? (2 points)
with others in the room not participating? (2 points)
in an impressive place on-campus (eg. Big Red Barn, Plantations, the Slope?) (2 points)
... did you get caught in any of the above? (2 points)

EXTRA CREDIT!

(36 possible extra-credit points.)

The Freshman Competition!

(Note: Ties go to everyone.) This is a competition between the members of your freshman class. You don't have to be a freshman to compete—for example, all the members of the class of 2009 are able to earn these points even though they're no longer frosh. So... were you the *first* Risleyite in your freshman class to...

be elected ¡El Presidente for Life! of Kommittee?
plan or run an impressive Risley event? (ex. plan Masquerave, cook RisFeast, direct Rocky, or book Tammany Night Club)
become a FUCKING AIRPORT?
Boink (big 'B') your roommate?
Boink (big 'B') a staff member? (PA, RA, RHD, GSA/AIR, Grand Vizier, Maintenance)

Extraordinary Historical Events

Have you ever...

boinked your friends? (platonic)
boinked your enemies? (silly)
been committed while living in Risley? (Like, to a mental institution.)
... forcibly--like, by the men in the white coats.
helped someone find their sexual orientation? (Did you get the toaster?)
screamed out in sexual ecstasy and had someone not involved scream back?
had or induced an orgasm while having an amicable conversation with the orgasmee's roommate?
been accosted/hit on/interrupted mid-coitus by a housekeeper?
been accosted/hit on/interrupted mid-coitus by a President of Cornell University?
had ribs broken by a staff member during sex?
lost a Lee Press-On-Nail in a bodily orifice? (Other brands are also acceptable)
ever addressed a crowd of 300 including firemen dressed as Carmen Miranda?
been on David Baines' Nookie List?
had Rachael Applebaum honk her rubber chicken at you while you were Boinking?
had porn featuring you circulated on the campus filesharing network (ex. DC++)?
used Risley's "Toys" from the Masquerave (Love Ewe, Chin Fucker, etc...) after the fact?
been to a party thrown by Gordon F. Sander?
been walled into your room by soda cans? (They have to still be full of soda. Yes, this is what Points are for.)
fired an RHD? (She says she "left voluntarily".)
advertised on the listserv for someone to take your virginity? (The answer to your question is "KANE".)
been JA'd for planning and executing House Meeting? (Specifically for lighting a foot-tall pure Ethanol fire, perhaps?)
been beaten brutally by a drunken GSA/AIR such that you receive a huge bruise which lasted for weeks.
while in pool, been asked by a uniformed police officer whether you were, maybe, looking for any of your clothing?
crossed the catwalk under the Thurston Avenue bridge?
won the Patriot Day Jenga Tournament by tiebreaker?
built a giant trebuchet on the roof? (3 points)
... and lobbed things at Zeta Psi? (2 points)

THE RISLEY PURITY TEST

Instructions: Check all boxes for which your answer is "yes".

RisCulture

Exploring Risley

Pool

Crimes and Misdemeanors

Unkatunk and Intra-Building Relations

A few Terms...

Boink

boink

Naughtiness

Super Bonus Naughtiness!

Naughty Locations!

Big 'B' Boinking

EXTRA CREDIT!

The Freshman Competition!

Extraordinary Historical Events

Meta